My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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