so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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