I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
