I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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