I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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