why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
