Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
