Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Randomize
