Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
handjob tips. give me some.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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