just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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