I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
