My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
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