Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You have to summon your inner elephant
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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