omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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