im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
