So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize