i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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