oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize