his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
