I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
