There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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