You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
