I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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