Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
