He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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