Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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