Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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