Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
