my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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