I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You dont lie about slip and slides
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
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