how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
