I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My vagina is officially offended.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
