Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
