She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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