I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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