Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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