she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
