Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
