Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
