How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
