and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
