i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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