Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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