All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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