Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
