capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize