Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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