I cannot find my penis.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
