Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
