Where is the hickey?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
