goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
