im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
