chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
there is glitter all over my balls
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