the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This is the high leading the old right now
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
