I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
