I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
